Fuentes Exonerated

League Shifts Focus to Teammate

The Molson Baseball League today announced that San Francisco Giants pitcher Brian Fuentes has been cleared of charges that he overperformed during the 2005 regular season. According to sources inside the Commissioner's office, the turn of events came about because Fuentes fingered a teammate during sworn testimony pursuant to the investigation and, as a result, the league has shifted its attention.

"Miguel Tejada gave it to me," Fuentes told investigators during his deposition, according to league documents obtained by The Home Plate Press sources. "I personally have never, and would never, intentionally overperform. Tejada told me if I took his supplements, I could pitch more than 20 innings over my natural ability."

Tejada, who has returned to the Dominican Republic for the holidays, was unavailable for comment.

Rumors that Fuentes should have been declared ineligible prior to last season's playoffs led to riots in Seattle, Phoenix, and Boston last night. According to police reports in those cities, several rioters had Southern drawls and were wearing hats bearing a script "A."

Riots were also reported in Washington, but they turned out to be unrelated to the Fuentes Affair. Instead, the violence in and around the nation's capital stemmed from a turf war between Senators and Nationals fans.

"It's gotten really bad here since the Nationals came to town," District councilwoman Linda Cropp said. "The worst thing is the tagging. The National Park Service has had to continually remove script Ws from monuments, buildings, and RFK Stadium. I don't think the fans of either team are smart enough to realize they both use the same W."

Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean, too, was offended by what he called "the invasion of neocons, supported by the Israelis, attempting to unnaturally influence the political climate by showing graphiti support for the President."